The Onion Explains the Equity Market

This is satire but it certainly feels true some days:

After fluctuating wildly this morning between $1 and $35, the price of money spiked to an unprecedented $90 a dollar in afternoon trading, plunging international financial markets into chaos. "Wall Street erupted into absolute pandemonium once the price of a dollar jumped past $50—if this keeps up, I wouldn't be surprised if the dollar reached $275 or higher by the closing bell," said CNBC analyst Marvin Kanisch, noting that the price of 20 dollars had soared well over $1,000 amid frenzied trading before plummeting back down to a more reasonable $430, while the price of five dollars remained steady at $5. "Everywhere you look, panicked investors are clamoring to exchange their dollars—which can only purchase about two cents apiece right now—for more stable dimes and quarters, which are trading at $18 and $32.25, respectively. And with the price of pennies falling below $140 an ounce, it's easy to understand the sense of urgency. Bottom line: It's a seller's market." With the skyrocketing dollar-to-dollar exchange rate prompting Americans to hoard as much money as possible, President Obama is expected to address the nation later today about easing America's dependence on domestic currency.